a meditation in letting go

i don’t know what came over me today, but i danced.

i danced in a way i haven’t done in years.

through tears and all.

i dont know if it was the gloomy weather, the free space in my apartment, ganvaya’s meditative voice, or the gummy i took earlier in the day.

i felt compelled to meditate thru movement.

i first heard this song live in january, post coming back from india, tears in my eyes at the theatre. i grew up around chantings, slokams, repetitive prayers. for the most part, learning these was a chore, something my parents forced upon me. today, especially this year, these repetitive prayers have become somewhat a of solace to me.

ganavya describes the song "NINE JEWELED PRAYER” as the following:

In this song, featuring her parents, ganavya sings the Lalitha Navaratna Malai, where you create nine jewels in the ether through sound for Mother Lalitha after creating a sritual thread of protection around those singing. Finally, once the nine jewels have been summoned, the singer hands over all the precious jewels, and in doing so, becomes the tenth jewel - the Civarattinam, or the Siva Ratna, the jewel of Lord Shiva - themselves… Then, by letting go of the human desire to own or grasp on to, we become the tenth jewel…

i didn’t read this description until now, as i write this. the entire time i was moving, i felt like i was letting it all go. with each breathe, with every step, i was letting go of everything i was holding onto. letting go until i was ok with letting whatever is supposed to happen, happen. it is funny how art does that, transcends literal meaning when made with intention.

major shifts are happening in my life, and i have no idea where i’ll be or what will happen. last night i felt myself wanting to throw a tantrum at the thought of having to let everything i’ve built and created go.

today post movement, i am closer to being at peace with whatever happens.

i hope to write about my complicated relationship with dance at some point. but today feels like a major step towards repairing that relationship.