the plunge
what a dream, to be held by the ocean
i started my year by plunging.
and by plunging i mean into the ocean. bones shivering, teeth chattering, toes numb, covered in goosebumps. i walked in, kicking the water, a thousand needles piercing my skin. i hated it and i loved it.
i plunged after a particularly turbulent night, one that left me feeling broken and humiliated, out of control and so much hatred for myself - something i never wanted to feel again.
a couple of days before New Years, my dear friend Ras asked if i wanted to go to Coney Island and run into the ocean with them and some other friends who were strangers to me at that time. i was skeptical. i was never one for large public theatrics. i enjoy being in small groups and calm peaceful areas. Coney Island, in all its chaos and quirkiness, was the last place i wanted to be. but when i woke up on the first, i said fuck it, let’s see what happens.
after we immersed in the ocean, i imagined i was alone, at the Rockaways, staring into the abyss. but as i sat there, sipping hot tea that someone had so thoughtfully brought for everyone, i was reminded that had i been alone i wouldn’t be out here. i would be laying in bed, depressed and hungover, succumbing to self pity.
i was reminded that i was here because of this group of wonderful humans who decided that they would come here and do this hard thing together. i was reminded that when you let them, the people who love you and cherish you will guide you through everything, side by side, holding hands, with a cup of tea.
i was reminded that it’s not the act of plunging that has been poignant about this experience, but that i’ve brought in the new year being held in the gentle tender palms of the people around me.
they are the ocean that holds me, that pierces my skin, makes me feel alive, the warmth in the middle of all the cold.
on my mind
as i continue to reflect on the past year, and think about the next year, i am inspired to maybe NOT think, to simply just be. these are some resolutions that have spoken to me.
“I don’t think I’ve changed much since January. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I didn’t read as much as I should have, and I’m still often impulsive and angry and fickle. I drank a lot of wine. I cried an average amount, but mostly over things that don’t make any sense. I try and do the things that will make me happy, but I have no idea what those things are. I am very bad with money. I am trying to be more ambivalent about my appearance. I am trying to be less shy. I am trying to speak less.”
-From Charlie Squire’s substack
i leave you with this little playlist of songs that make me feel blue.
not blue like i’m sad blue, but blue like water and space and how it feels on your body.
i spent an entire flight starting into the blue of sky, turn bluer and bluer and until it was nothing, multitudes of shade.
i close my eyes and imagine myself floating in warm water looking at the blue of the sky meet the blue of the ocean.
i hope these sounds take you there.
what a dream to be held by these words
Your words, a balm! ❤️